I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
