i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
People in love make me want to vomit
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
