this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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