Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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