I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Mom said you looked used
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
