Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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