she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's rum buckets o'clock
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
