You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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