Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We need a shit load of segways right now
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
