Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
