the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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