Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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