Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize