I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
