i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
