@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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