man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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