Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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