My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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