Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
that may or may not have been my penis.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
