when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
