those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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