why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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