Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
