proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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