If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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