I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
