I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
