I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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