You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
