please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
