im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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