I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
