I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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