and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
