I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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