dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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