I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
