In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
