I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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