No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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