How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
