These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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