My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize