the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
