if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
