You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
