I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
