if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
