I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
