Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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