She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
