I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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