I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
