and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
