i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
