meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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