I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
