She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Randomize
