3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
