I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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