Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
