Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
