i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
