...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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