My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
