Me too!
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
