Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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